My mental health
January 1, 2024
This is a more refined article about my mental health that I wrote and shared last year.
School made me feel like shit because I felt like I had to behave all the time, get good grades, and never mess up, which wouldn't be so terrible if I didn't have this irrational fear that I was going to accidentally break some rule. It felt like I was constantly walking on eggshells. I would second guess everything I was doing and it made me very depressed. On the outside, I looked like a normal child, but inside I was a wreck.
Back then I was consumed by thoughts that made me feel guilty all the time. I was terrified of God and thought I was going to hell for even the smallest of things that I did or didn't do. I tried to shake off these tormenting thoughts but couldn't. They would sometimes randomly make me feel like I had to do something odd like rearranging furniture over and over again until they were satisfied or I was doomed. That was how awful it was.
I was involved in an incident with a car that left me with a fear of cars that makes me super anxoius around traffic.I'm still terrified of crossing roads and try to avoid it as much as possible, because sometimes I'll just freeze up like a deer in the headlights in the middle of the road. It's ironic, because during my college days, I loved walking through busy streets in the evening and sometimes at night, but I'd often have to take the long way around because I couldn't bring myself to cross the street.
My relationship with people is.. something. I never really felt anything for one of my parents - no love, no hate, no fear, no longing. It never bothered me, and it still doesn't. But by the time I was a teenager, I started feeling pure hatred which would'nt be a problem if I wasn't stuck living with this person who was, a real pos. This situation made me addicted to indulging in dark thoughts and fantasies, like violence and murder.
Family gatherings made me uncomfortable, and people thought I was "shy," but I wasn't - I was just a little bit sociopathic. It's not that I didn't like people or being around people; I just didn't like having to interact and talk when I didn't feel like it. I struggled to feel empathy for others, and affection made me sick. But as I grew up, I realized, years later, that with certain people, I am the extreme opposite of this. I am very open, empathetic, and not un-emotional. This even happens with strangers I've just met for a couple of minutes.
Growing up, I felt like I was always putting on a fake persona for everyone. It was like I was pretending to be a type of person that I wasn't, because I had no clue who I really was. I was living a lie, having a fake personality. It was exhausting.
For a long time I thought that all this shit was normal but there was one thing about me that I mistakenly thought was not: my being gay. I hated it so much because I was taught that it was unnatural, so I tried very hard to change. I prayed for many years for it to go away, feeling ashamed and hating this part of myself, which made me even more miserable than I already was and messed me up. I coped by trying to bury that part of me, living a lie and pretending to be straight.
Thankfully, things improved and my mental health got better. The tormenting thoughts no longer bothered me once I learned who God really is and understood his unconditional love and grace, which freed me from the feelings of guilt and condemnation. My life changed so much when I went to college at Edmund's. Although my anxiety was still there, it wasn't as bad as it used to be. I met new people and made new friends who without even realising it, helped me to become more authentic, I wasn't showing any fake personalities most of the time. Finally I felt like I was being "real" even though I was still pretending to be straight whenever the topic of relationships and crushes came up. Meanwhile I was ditching way too many classes and didn't care about my grades or my attendance percentage. I was clowning, wasting my time doing what made me happy, not caring about anything I didn't want to (which got me in trouble with several teachers many times). Enjoying life the way I could. Looking forward to every day. There was no pressure, no overwhelming guilt to stop me from doing all of this, including the things I never would have dared to do before, because "sin” and “hell". It wasn't all good though because I also did a few regretful things I'm not proud of (not saying what) but overall it was worth it, life was finally worth living.
After spending three years at Edmund's, I completed half of my master's program at Anthony's. That wonderful period of personal growth was also when I began to realize that I had mental health issues. The principal at the time told me that there was something wrong with me and sent me to a counselor, but unfortunately, the counselor was not helpful at all.
So, here I am, many years later, grateful to be free from all the things that made me miserable. It took several years after college, but I finally became comfortable with not being straight and have fully accepted it. I still have some mental health issues, but they're mostly manageable. I remain the same paradoxical person I've always been - both emotional and unemotional.
Wrapping things up, there are other things I have left out of this post, but I'll add them later. I wrote this article because, over the recent years, I've become more open and shared bits about myself, discovering how liberating it feels each time I do. So, I decided to unpack almost everything I've kept to myself.
P.S. Sometimes I wonder if all the mental health issues I was experiencing was because I hit my head, which I did, really badly, when I was a child.